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DeSoto

by P. Winston

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about

DeSoto was a beautiful, abandoned and structurally unsound motel on the outskirts of my college campus.

We first passed it walking to Walmart on the hunt for Marlboro Reds— and after smoking half the pack with our legs stretched out over a drainage ditch— I said “I love you,” but only in my head.

I used to sneak onto the roof with my first love, take her picture, smoke and scribble notes. We would sit for hours — until we didn’t anymore.

I’d make solo trips to see if I could still feel her next to me while stretched out over the red aluminum rooftop, or if when my heels dug into the gravel to steady myself while getting up that she could maybe feel me reaching out for her hands.

The decade following led to many more scribbles, addictive habits, and falls in, out, and about love. In that, finding the language and space to share a transition that’s ended up surpassing gender and self.

DeSoto is not mixed or mastered— and in truth, I don’t know if it’s ever meant to be. I mean, sound wise, 100% it should be. But for now, I want the intention, inconsistency, and personal truth in simple words understood. I want people to be able to ingest a trans experience and feel it as their own. Many of these qualities I still attribute to myself and to my still developing education of what remaining healthy in a partnership looks and feels like. Thank you to the many before me— for granting me this space to rant and get all in my feelings.

lyrics

The few things I remember,
the less I hold to.
Military man
you plan to marry
when he gets home.

But what about me?
Ya, where’s the thought in that?
Am I hiding from me?
I just won’t think about it.

Am I only a man
Or man enough,
Til he gets home?
And you say it again
I’m just not someone
You can take home.

But what you can;
is one who’d die for his land.
If a weapon were a man.
Just anything but what I am.

Does he know you say you love me?
Breathless and bare

credits

released April 1, 2021
guitar, bass, keys,— Paige Winston
drums —Paige Winston's computer

license

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P. Winston Brooklyn, New York

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